Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
