hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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