i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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