im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
