just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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