He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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