i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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