it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
