Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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