I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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