Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
