i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
