My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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