im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Randomize
