I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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