when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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