so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
