A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
