looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
