Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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