We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize