Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
