Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
