we're chasing vodka with high fives
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
