just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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