i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
