Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
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