I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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