dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
