I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
