If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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