I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
