Don't make out with my wife yet
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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