i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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