I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
