i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
