oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Dicks are not precious.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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