Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
