tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
whose ass print is on the piano?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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