Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
