He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i just had sex bonerless
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
