Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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