Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
