i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize