dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize