i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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