That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
