She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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