You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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