Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Randomize
