Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
