tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize