I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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