I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
