She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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