You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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