I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
