what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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