last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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