hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Four minutes until I can fart!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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