Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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