Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
